Lessons Learned from The Dating Cure

     "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." --Despite these profound truths, loss is and will always be a horrific experience to endure. The end of a relationship -- the loss of the desired love object means having to experience raw, primitive pain. The problem only intensifies when she can't accept the loss. She stays attached to wanting the man back, deluding herself into thinking it's going to end up happily ever after, no matter how much he's hurt her or disappointed her.

     When we form a new relationship, we form a memory trace in our brain. When the relationship ends and we don't see the person anymore, the memory trace starts to erode. That's why we do actually  start to forget people when we stop seeing them.  The cliche that time heals all wounds is an actual biological reality. When we can't let go and still continue to see the person, the memory trace never gets to erode and we keep staying attached to a person, even when they are no longer bonded to us or reciprocating our feelings.

     Don't keep looking back. Ruminating the past you had with him and can't let go of accomplishes nothing. It's often self-torture. Most of us would love to jump into a time machine and redo history now that we know the outcome, unfortunately, that's just not how life operates. You don't want to face the hard, cold reality that no matter what you would have done it would have turned out like this; it's out of your hands.

     If you're trying to let go of a man, you need to feel the loss of him. it's similar to breaking a bone. it's needs time to mend and knit. If you try to treat it as if nothing happened, you'll probably just end up rebreaking it. it needs time to heal and you just have to endure the pain until it subsides. Often when we accpet the pain, it just goes away on its own.

     If it doesn't end perfectly, you may think you may think you need to go back and fix it. But you must know this - no matter how hard you try, there is no good closure. Even if he does want to talk and you get to say all things you've been wanting to tell hm, then you have to face the pain of losing him again as you both said goodbye. It's just another contact you need to put closure on, and it can become an endless cycle. Separation is going to hurt  and be hard no matter how it's done. Accepting that fact is the only way to let go.  Don't go back and try to keep fixing it. You'll just keep retraumatizing yourself and you may never let go.

     You cannot force people to want you or love you or desire what you desire. You must accept that when he decides it's over for him, you need to then work on your recovery and heal yourself instead of trying to win him back. knowing how to let go is almost as important as knowing how to love, because if you know you can let go then you know you can always risk falling inlove. If things  don't work out, as Gloria Gaynor said, "you will survive" no matter what the outcome.

 A self-help book that made me think I'll be better without YOU.

     Thanks, Rhonda Findling! =)