Be Still, My Heart

It was never easy, in my opinion, to move forward from a past relationship. Falling in love again, either, is such a struggle (for me anyway).

How many times have I tried,
To keep my heart out of sight?
I've built a wall to guard me up,
But you were so close I had to give up.

Your eyes, I can't quite resist,
Windows to your beautiful soul, yes, it exists.
One more look and my feelings, you will surely capture,
Oh, how pity, a sweet torture I have to endure.

You're always calm, never tense,
Sounds like a true man, never dense.
Always gentle, always kind,
To the negativities, forever blind.

Your captivating smile,
Made me lose myself for a while.
You kept me disarmed,
You have got me with that charm.

Your scent, they've been keeping me,
Far from reality so I count to three.
Then look at you and pretend to be,
The normal girl I used to be.

Be still my heart,
Don't rush, please hush.
He might hear you thump out loud,
I laid my cards on the table to be found.

I keep all my worries at bay,
And to the Lord I utmostly pray,
"Please leave his heart out for me,
For I will surely take care of thee."

Read More

ATC Date with My Loves

Warning: This is a picture-heavy post.

It has been known to you (or maybe I should remind you through this post) that my friends are my second family. Years or friendship built and tested through thick or thin and petty misunderstandings in between, we managed to jump past off the downbeats. So enough of the drama! Me and my girls – Kim, Krizh, Leslie and Amity went to Alabang Town Center for our much anticipated bonding!

A little vanity won't make any harm. :)

We agreed to meet there at two pm but we arrived a LITTLE late than usual which was past three. Define Filipino time. So anyway, we headed straight to California Pizza Kitchen. Just guess how hungry we were.

A preview of how madaldal (talkative) I am.

Kim and Leslie

There were no decent pictures of our food since we’re dead tired and famished by the time our orders came in. But there were lots of photos of us. Can I just make an excuse that we just made an effort to stretch the time we had while waiting for the food?

Sadly, Mitch wasn’t around because she was busy with her family since we did this on a Saturday.

No date is complete without a dose of coffee especially with girls who love caffeine, right? More girl talk and laughs at Starbucks. The conversations we had were more mature now. Does that mean that we're grown ups already?

And with the ever huge Christmas tree to end the night!

I think what matters most in a relationship, whether boyfriend-girlfriend, with your friends or even with your family is that you find time to spend and bond with them. If you’re too busy with work or school, just keep the communication lines open. These people are where your heart is, to begin with.

Anyway, you might want to try your luck in my WELCOME 2013 GIVEAWAY with Lhyzie here!

Read More

Model for a Day!

I've been AWOL for a couple of days and I admit that I have a line-up of entries to post, but I was too lazy to do that. Should I blame the holiday season and the Christmas weight I gained? ;) Which brings me to my lack of existence that I haven't greeted you. Boo!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!

Photo from: fanpop.com

Now back to regular programming. This is a post long overdue. Anyway, Every girl dreams of being a model. I, for once, wanted to be a runway model. Yes, runway model because aside from the fact that I am not photogenic, I am naturally maarte maglakad. That's why I claim that I can't be an ad / fashion model.

Thanks to my girl bestfriends, I was tagged along to try it! We all came from the south, Cavite to be exact, and we did our shoot in La Mesa EcoPark in Quezon City. Commuting was part of the fun. We were all loud and noisy on our way there. Sorry, other MRT passengers! We just enjoyed being together again! Enough with the nitty gritty blabber. Here are some of our photos.

Krizhielle

We arrived at roughly two or three in the afternoon and she moves veeeeryy slow to the point that her pictures were taken at sundown.

Leslie

This girl looks beautiful at any angle, believe me.

Kimberly

The most classy of us all, I think. She did her make-up and mine.

Isabel

Ohh, that's me. LOL. It was kind of awkward to do poses since it was my first time to do a shoot.

Leslie, Kimberly & Me

Krizh wasn't here because at the rate things went, the three of us were done with our second outfit shoots and Krizh wasn't finished prepping up yet. I told you she moves very slow, eh.

The pictures were captured by our friend, MJ. For a beginner, which he claims he is, I can say he's pretty much great! Fact: he looks like Sid Lucero! He accepts commercial, fashion, portrait, cosplay, still life and food photoshoots. You can view his other works HERE.

Well, who doesn't want to be a model, right? With all the glitz, make-up, dressing up and accessories, a kikay girl could definitely not ask for more! :)

Read More

Escape

Note: For the times that my emotional weakness was squeezed into the surface, here's the *insert adjective* outcome.

ESCAPE

How many days more will my heart be sore?

Because I want to be happy just as before.

I pray for this heart that has been torn apart,

To heal so that from scratch, again I can start.

All details of you, I don't want to remember,

Because week after week, I'm still sober.

Eyes are tired from weeping all night,

The walls of my room, of me they've been at sight.

My pillows wet, there my tears have set

The thing about pain, they are to be felt.

From here I try to stop and walk away,

But memories, they haunt me though I've kept them at bay.

To the Lord, I cry deeply for His rescue,

I took a step forward but still blue.

I swear myself this time this will be the end.

So my strength, all arms, I'll extend.

Read More

Back to Nursing

Hi, again! So I just got back from the hospital. I submitted a letter of intent in the Nursing Service Office. I've worked for five months there and after my contract, I decided to find another job. I was a junior staff nurse and that meant we worked with no compensation. Well not really, because we were paid if we're going to be relievers and free charges when confined or rushed in the emergency room. I shouldn't have mentioned that, should I?

After being admitted last August (some of you already know that), I was hired in Convergys Alabang as a CSA. On my first training day, my allergies decided to hit on me once again so I was not able to attend. By the time my parents and I arrived at the hospital, my periorbital edema's very severe and my allergologist to finish my 7-month treatment. 

I don't know if the turning out of events sides on me, but I'm seeing it as God's way of leading me into the path where I want best. 

I'm saying hi to my nursing career again! :)

Read More

Worry No More

Problems are definitely a part of our lives. We cannot get it out of the equation. It's life constant. Have you heard or met somebody not having one? I doubt. We all have it. Family problems, something related to work, emotional problems, etc. They're too many to enumerate. I've had my fair share of everything too, and it was not easy. It wouldn't be easy.

Sometimes, facing them requires a lot of effort, what more if we try to surpass them, right? So here are some ways that I assume might help, in no particular order. *wink*

1. Acknowledge the situation you're facing.

•  Whatever you are going through, acknowledge that you are really going through it. It's the first step to acceptance.

2. Take action.

• Stop sulking in bed. Get your ass working. Nothing's going to happen if you're just going to mourn over the problem.

3. Cry it out.

• Yes, you may bury yourself in bed and wet your pillows for a couple of days but after that, promise yourself that you are not going to be like this everyday. Again, refer to advice number 2.

4. Smile.

• Smiling changes everything. Start your day by smiling and tell yourself that everything's going to be fine. Believe me, it works.

5. Pray. A lot.

• I am the type of person who vents out my problem to God. If there's someone whom I can talk to about anything, I know it's Him. He will give us what's best for us, not what we think is the best for us and He will listen, regardless of who we are or what we have done wrong throughout our lives.

6. Surround yourself with positive people.

• Optimistic people can bring the bright side out of a negative situation. They can turn the bad upside down. You're just going to be tripping over the same thing if you're with the people who don't see the good in the bad, the bright point in the dark.

7. Walk without looking back so you won't remember why you're running away in the first place.

• Throwing yourself in that situation just brings all the pain and anxiety back. Just keep on walking. Eyes straight ahead. Focus on the intervention you are making.

8. Divert your attention.

• It's normal to think about it. Your mind will totally recall all the gory details. But I am telling you, you don't have to entertain the thoughts. Don't run after thoughts because you can get them off your mind. Remember: it is the mind that controls everything. You want something out of your mind, instruct your brain to do so. Again, refer to advice number 2.

9. Make a decision.

• You should make a decision and stand firmly with it. Nothing can be solved if you won't make up your mind. Make a decision and tell yourself, "No U-turns now."

And when all is said and done, here's what I do in times like this: I read a lot. I installed a lot of e-books in my Ipod touch and I read everytime I start feeling down. You know, just to divert attention. And I pray when it starts to hit me again. God surely does know what we need. He never breaks a promise so I am very certain that this too, shall pass.

Read More

Hospital Getaway

A quick post: I'm so sorry for my inactivity. I was hospitalized for a few days and I was nearly admitted to the intensive care unit. I will post the whole story when I get well. *wink*

Read More

It's Over

Disclaimer: This one's overly full of emotions. I am was your perfect drama queen. Sorry for the lame pain within this piece of shizz. *wink* I just know this is so timely.

Bright eyes,
Wide lies.
The truth I should forget,
As my mind goes on a reset.

Catch a pain, fake a grin,
Feel the poison setting in.
Wanna rip you with my claw,
But baby, you're a no show.

Tell it to me straight,
Say it to my face.
Get tired of your pretense,
My overhauled head's too dense.

I've pulled out a trick for you to see,
But you didn't even bothered to run after me.
I saw you unsure of it,
I became too sick to bits.

I've laid all my cards on the table,
Put out my heart, threw it on a gamble.
You just like the chase,
There's my heart gone into waste.

I felt like I was buried deep,
For that I just cried myself to sleep.
You know now it just doesn't matter,
Because I say now, "It's over."

Read More

Forever 21

Two more sleeps and here comes birthday. I don't even feel that I'm twenty two. I don't know but I'm really not ecstatic about it. Maybe because of the "calling it off" thingy. When I was putting this post mentally, I've got a lot to say and now that my fingers are doing the talking, my thoughts have gone elsewhere. BLAH.

WISHLIST:

• ELF eye shadow palette in WARM
• Marionnaud flat top brush
• NYX round lipsticks / NYX matte lipsticks
• Wedge shoes
• Iphone 4s HAHAHA ;)
• A small cork board for my room
• Colorful pens or whatever's useful for writing
• A personal wish hoping to be granted by our Lord
• An e-mail reply from a couple of organizations I want to volunteer in

I can't think of anything else as of the moment. I should have done this earlier so I can add more when something pops in my head. Regrets, regrets. Well, August 13, I might as well be excited about you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me! :)

Read More

What I Want and What I Really Need

After a few days of trying to understand what's happening, I've had a mind constipation, I can't seem to digest everything into my mind yet, I am feeling better today. I usually over think things through which isn't healthy for me because I just tend to see even the slightest hint of negativity.

I have watched a TV show last night, for those who might know it, the 700 Club Asia, which had let me look into the brighter side of things. A guest there broke up with her boyfriend and after almost two years, they've got back in each other's arms. What she had said made a huge impact to me. This is where my brain to mouth malfunction had brought me: "We have plans for ourselves, but the Lord's plan is better. We should surrender our concerns to Him, for we know that He will NEVER forsake us. We should let Him handle what's bothering us because His plans NEVER fail. He knows what our hearts desire even without words uttered by our lips. His answer to our prayers are only YES, NO or WAIT. But whatever his answer may be, it really indeed is the best for us."

So I'll stop worrying and I'll put an end in trying to do everything to grasp what I want US to be. I am lifting it all up to Him and wherever it may lead me, I'd gladly accept.

Read More

Burn

"What you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath. Guess I let you get the best of me."

I'm fine, tired, asphyxiated. So it took me a couple of days to process things up and the good news is... I can't still freakin' digest everything.

I'm getting better when it comes to throwing rants, don't I? Sorry for two consecutive lame entries. I'll be back for real posts when I finally feel okay.

Read More

Feeling Heavy

Hi everyone! I'm feeling a bit heavy right now. My boyfriend and I just had a time off from everything due to some things that are not worth elaborating. *sobs* Praying that we can still work this out. So.. there.

Well anyway, I'm thinking of holding a giveaway. What do you guys think?

Read More

One Shade of Red

Excuse me for my randomness. I always admire the guts of women who can sport red lipsticks. Yes, Anne Curtis! I envy them, I look darker when I wear red lippies. Sorry, but the following are my attempts to look effortless in the red shade. You have been warned. :)

Pardon for the unclear pictures, I just used my camera phone.

Lipstick used: Pop Shop in Princess Heart

Here's a swatch:

(with flash)

(without flash)

The color isn't too strong nor light, just the right shade of red. Plus it has a long staying power, even if you drink or eat, it doesn't go off easily.

Personally, I think red puckers match a nude or bare face because it draws too much attention to your canvass. Unless you want to look like flared or something, then go on put on whatever you want to your face. What are your favorite lipstick shades? Do you always wear red ones? Tell me more about it! :) 

Read More

Manhater

*DISCLAIMER: I saw this entry at my old blog site. It made me laugh reading this. Napaka-kiddie. :))*

     I haven’t written for a couple of months but hey, im back, trying to make a nonsense freeverse poem for everyone else of you to relate with. Wish you could get yourself into it. If it makes sense, though. Hope it doesn’t sound too bad or worse, hope it doesn’t suck  that much. ;) 

"Manhater"

You always pinch my cheeks that only you adore,

The only one that soulfully makes my mind sore.

You’re the one who tucks me inside those arms,

The only one that gives me a restless warmth.

You left me alone under the cold pouring rain,

Feeling so helpless struggling through the endless pain.

With that very moment, wished I could be numb,

But felt sorry for myself I just became dumb.

For once, you made me happy it nearly made me scream,

But now it will never happen even in my wildest dream.

Not just once, you made me feel so hurt,

All those times,I have to make my feelings blurt.

Nevertheless, I can only state,

After all the heartaches I’ve been through,

I’ll still never be…

A goddamn manhater. :D

     I'm allowing you to laugh at my work. I know it is funneeeh! :))

Read More

A Letter to YOU

To my old self,

     Hey, I know you're going through some shit and it hurts. But it's part of everyone's existence. Pain is inevitable. You'll probably experience more and this is definitely not the worst. Some people went through leaps and hurdles twice as much as yours, even thrice as much. So don't think you won't go through this, because in reality, you will. This won't take long as long as you help yourself to move forward. :) You're nineteen and you have all things in store for you. You now have all the time to grow, to be mature, to be carefree, to be silly and to be happy. So don't just sit there thinking how bad it went and how you can fix it. Sometimes you just have to let things fall into their proper places on its own. And that won't hurt. For now, indulge yourself to life's positivity. It won't cost a bit and you will gain so much benefit from it. Live your life to the fullest -- worry-free. Someday, you'll see yourself laughing at these childish entries you made and you'll see how far you've gone through. I know you're gonna make it! =))

                                                                                                                           Love,

the new YOU. :)

Read More

Lessons Learned from The Dating Cure

     "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." --Despite these profound truths, loss is and will always be a horrific experience to endure. The end of a relationship -- the loss of the desired love object means having to experience raw, primitive pain. The problem only intensifies when she can't accept the loss. She stays attached to wanting the man back, deluding herself into thinking it's going to end up happily ever after, no matter how much he's hurt her or disappointed her.

     When we form a new relationship, we form a memory trace in our brain. When the relationship ends and we don't see the person anymore, the memory trace starts to erode. That's why we do actually  start to forget people when we stop seeing them.  The cliche that time heals all wounds is an actual biological reality. When we can't let go and still continue to see the person, the memory trace never gets to erode and we keep staying attached to a person, even when they are no longer bonded to us or reciprocating our feelings.

     Don't keep looking back. Ruminating the past you had with him and can't let go of accomplishes nothing. It's often self-torture. Most of us would love to jump into a time machine and redo history now that we know the outcome, unfortunately, that's just not how life operates. You don't want to face the hard, cold reality that no matter what you would have done it would have turned out like this; it's out of your hands.

     If you're trying to let go of a man, you need to feel the loss of him. it's similar to breaking a bone. it's needs time to mend and knit. If you try to treat it as if nothing happened, you'll probably just end up rebreaking it. it needs time to heal and you just have to endure the pain until it subsides. Often when we accpet the pain, it just goes away on its own.

     If it doesn't end perfectly, you may think you may think you need to go back and fix it. But you must know this - no matter how hard you try, there is no good closure. Even if he does want to talk and you get to say all things you've been wanting to tell hm, then you have to face the pain of losing him again as you both said goodbye. It's just another contact you need to put closure on, and it can become an endless cycle. Separation is going to hurt  and be hard no matter how it's done. Accepting that fact is the only way to let go.  Don't go back and try to keep fixing it. You'll just keep retraumatizing yourself and you may never let go.

     You cannot force people to want you or love you or desire what you desire. You must accept that when he decides it's over for him, you need to then work on your recovery and heal yourself instead of trying to win him back. knowing how to let go is almost as important as knowing how to love, because if you know you can let go then you know you can always risk falling inlove. If things  don't work out, as Gloria Gaynor said, "you will survive" no matter what the outcome.

 A self-help book that made me think I'll be better without YOU.

     Thanks, Rhonda Findling! =)

Read More

Stuck in the Middle

     Months have passed and I can say I've been okay. I've been more than okay. My deepest gratitude to my friends who have been with me through thick and thin. A week ago, the guy and I started communicating again. And been into something I cannot define. Just friends or lovers -- that I cannot decipher. And I don't want to clear things off for I have been lost when the topic has been brought up. And now I'm stuck in the middle.

    We've been seen by my friends and some were not happy seeing us being together. And I totally understand them. They've seen me weeping over that guy and now I'm with him like nothing had happened. It's hard choosing between your friends and the guy you love. And now I'm stuck in the middle.

    I don't know if I really have to choose between them but hey, what's going to happen if I will not come up to a decision? I'd lost my friends or I'll end up losing him. And now I'm stuck in the middle.

Read More

Emotional Reactionary

       

        If there’s one thing I hate about myself, it’s my being a reactionary — an emotional reactionary. I just can’t help reminiscing on what have happened in the past years of my existence, especially those bitter moments and heart-crushing times. I can’t forget those who had hurt me. Talk about clemency and I’d blankly stare at you. 

        Things change and people grow, and I did. You can now give me an A+ for giving much forgiveness from within. Hand me the hardest situation, somersault my life; left nothing unbroken, not even a single piece and I’d hug you for making me a fighter. I learned how to handle the toughest instances. It’s a matter of choice. Choose to deal with negativity, launch into a full-scale anxiety attack and let yourself suffer, and if you love yourself, bring on the positive outlook and live worry-free. It’s like having another close encounter with God. That eventhough I haven’t seen him nor do everybody else, I still have this solid-rock faith that He’ll help me through all these as He always does. 

        I have ample faith that things will work out the way it’s supposed to, I learned to stop dealing with the past and focus on what lies ahead. Ü

Read More

Let Things Work Out For Themselves

     When love gets tough, when it seems like the world has crashed over your head and when you feel there's nowhere to run, think again. You've got your F-R-I-E-N-D-S to back you up -- anytime, anywhere. :)

      A couple of weeks ago, there came my second real-life failed relationship. It was not easy coping with the loss especially you've known for a fact that you did everything to make things work out. Though you are prepared to do more, you need to give yourself a break, a pause and a moment to think twice before you let your pride eat you up. You have to save yourself from keeping "gravity" pull you more deeply into the grave. You have to save yourself from a relationship wherein the other does nothing to keep you -- just things to make you fall out.

      It's not being clingy, or needy, or whatever you want to call it. It's called being inlove too much that you want everything to fall into their proper places. It's called being matured enough to face the hardest sitch wholeheartedly and not being a coward, running from the hardest things love can offer and jumping over them just to escape from them.

     I'm okay. More often than not, I'm happy. But then when you're alone, you see yourself watching the pain eat your heart out. And you just cannot hide. You get your phone and text your friends, helping you acknowledge that there is no rant in this life you cannot handle and that I'm strong, I'm tough and I'm gonna make this stuff.

     Advices, they're all there. And when I don't like 'em, I ditch 'em. I'm in control of my decisions, right? Oh, I'm in control of my own decisions. So that means I'm completely in charge if I'll choose to make my life miserable, overanalyze things, what happened, why it happened, why me, why us and all regrets I could possibly think of or just choose just choose to view things in a different perspective and enjoy life as it is. Well, GMH. :))

     I'm nineteen. I have the whole world in store for me. Whatever He holds for me, I'll always have faith.Plus the support from friends and family, I don't think I'll be needing a guy unworthy of my self. *wink* ;) AND SOMETIMES, YOU JUST HAVE TO LET THINGS WORK OUT FOR THEMSELVES. =))

Read More

Passing Out From the Awesomeness

It was one of the most hideous mistakes which I practically tried to avoid. Some would say I’m an introvert for what I’ve been acting these past few weeks. Why didn’t they give me the benefit of the doubt? Why didn’t they think that there is something beneath the surface? Because there really is something, of course.

I suppose some people are just like that — ego-killers and jerkinators, talking trashes behind my back. The hard part is I can’t do anything about it. I’m feeble as a chick. I’m somehow being lost in my own thoughts, incurring feverish distraction.

I’ve been there. I’ve done that. A lot of times I wished I was never that easy to fall for somebody. A lot of times I wished you weren’t that sweet enough to make me feel I am that much bizarre to you. Call me stupid and I’ll thank you for letting me face the bitter taste of reality that we aren’t going anywhere. Shoot me right through the head but I still won’t forget how special we’ve been and how hoping I am for us to be more than that. I hate myself for being so melodramatic, seeking meanings behind every act, behind every remark. Hopeless romantic, the right expression, I guess.

I tried to stay away from you, even meeting your eyes but it’s like cutting the dose of my own medicine. Everything is vague and reverted. But then, who knows what to expect from someone who treats you extra-special? Maybe it is my entire fault to sugarcoat every little thing you do. How am I supposed not to think that way when all you’ve done, all you are doing and all you will do is bound to make me feel blissful? You give me hundreds of reasons to be happy but can’t we just be happy together? I can’t help it. I simply C-A-N-T. Pathetic. Crazy. That’s what I am and that’s all I’ll ever be but you don’t seem to notice. You just keep on thinking how different I am with the others. And with that, I’ve passed out from the awesomeness of these twists and turns of my being.

Read More